


A Honey Badger's Migraine (AKA Mick reviews Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles

by MickMackNickNack



Category: Christian Bible, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Christian Potter, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2020-05-14 23:47:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19283683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MickMackNickNack/pseuds/MickMackNickNack
Summary: Exactly what it sounds like.





	1. Evolution is a Religion now

**_Author's Note:_ ** _Hello, friends! My name is Grace Ann. I'm new to this whole fanfiction thing; but recently, I've encountered a problem that I believe this is the solution to. My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books; and of course I'm happy for them to be reading; but I don't want them turning into witches! So I thought….. why not make some slight changes so these books are family friendly?_ **[Family friendly?  They are literally categorised as children’s books]** _And then I thought, why not share this with all the other mommies who are facing the same problem? So—Ta da! Here it is! I am SO excited to share this with all of you! So, without further ado—_

 

Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Harry Potter who lived under the stairs in a house on Privet Drive with his aunt and uncle. He was a good, obedient boy who did all his chores **[I will give you credit: you are half right.  He isn’t obedient, but he is forced to do all of his chores]** ; but he felt that there was something missing in his life. Something big and special; but he could not quite name it. He stayed up every night; and wished for this special something; but then one day, there was a knock at his door—and everything changed. "Answer the door, Harry!" his Aunt Petunia, a career woman, barked from her armchair where she sat with her feet up. She had short, curly blonde hair and never wore any makeup. **[Tell that to my mom.  She worked hard for almost twenty years to support our family as a DOCTOR and she wore makeup]** Uncle Vernon nodded sheepishly from the kitchen; and put a tray of moist, chocolatey brownies in the oven.   **[My dad loved baking.  He still does, and he worked!]**

 _Shouldn't you be doing that?_ **[Who should be doing what, exactly?]** Harry thought; but he was a very obedient young boy, so he answered the door right away. He turned the brass, metal doorknob; and pulled open the heavy, wooden **[There is no need for a comma there]** door.

On the porch was standing a huge, muscular man with a big, manly beard; and he was dressed in a plaid, red shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy, leather boots. His chest was covered in a thick, unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair **[Is that required in a children’s story?]** . He wore a necklace that looked to Harry like a lowercase T. Just looking at Harry feel happy, peaceful somehow **[Oh.  My. Gosh. I look at crosses every day, and I never feel that.]** ; but he couldn't say why! **[Harry, you are an idiot.]** "Good morning, kiddo," the man greeted amiably; **[THIS SHOULD BE A COMMA!]** and smiled at Harry. He had the peaceful, friendly sort of face you just knew you could trust. **[STRANGER DANGER!  STRANGER DANGER!]** "My name is Hagrid. Could I speak to your mommy and daddy?"

"I don't have a mommy or daddy," Harry replied sadly; and looked at his raggedy, old shoes that were blue. **[Okay, lady, a little less description please!]** Perhaps that was why he felt so lonely, he thought, not for the first time. Maybe that was what he was missing— a mommy and daddy. But no, that was not quite right.

"I am so sorry to hear that!" Hagrid uttered empathetically.

"You can speak with my auntie and uncle," Harry retorted politely **[Retorted politely?  That makes no sense]** ; **[Okay, next chapter I am counting the semicolons]** and blinked his big, blue, childlike eyes **[Does he not blink the rest of the time? And why are his eyes blue?]**.

"What do you want?" Aunt Petunia peered out the door with her narrow, suspicious eyes; and she was wearing a baggy, unflattering pantsuit **[What does that have to do with anything?]**.

"Hello, neighbor! I was wondering if you have been saved," Hagrid exclaimed brightly; and tipped his wide-brimmed, straw cowboy hat **[Oh, Hagrid, you walking stereotype, you!]**. Aunt Petunia laughed a gravelly laugh; and leaned forward on her sturdy, practical boots.

"Saved? Don't tell me you are you one of those Christians?" Harry did not know what that word meant **[How?  It’s the world’s most practised religion!]** ; but Hagrid's smile was the most peaceful smile he had ever seen. It made Harry feel warm and happy inside just seeing the glowing, radiant grin on the kind, friendly stranger's face **[STRANGER DANGER! AGAIN!]** . He wondered why Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon did not smile like that… **[There is no need for an ellipse here.  Just a period.]**

"Yes, I am," Hagrid replied kindly. "Are you?"

Aunt Petunia laughed again; and stuck her pointy, sharp nose up in the air. "We are too smart for that. Haven't you read Dawkins? God is dead! Dawkins proved that. Would you like us to educate you on the Dawkins?" **[There is no ‘the’ before Dawkins.]**

"What is a Christian?" Harry queried innocently; and scuffed his shoe on the shaggy, yellow carpet which had not been vacuumed in quite some time **[As far as I know, men can clean too.]**.

"Christians are people who want to be good," Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. **[Harry ain’t that short.]** "We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?" Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious. **[Oh dear Lord.  Harry is officially a three year old.]** "Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God."

Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry's young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, "Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays **[Birthdays.  Wow, I guess I’m an atheist then, which I am not.]** . Haven't you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things.” **[Yes, please!]**

Hagrid laughed wisely **[Right.  Nope. Not possible to laugh wisely.]**. "Evolution is a fairytale. You don't really believe that, do you?"

"Yes, I do!" Aunt Petunia screeched. **[I’m Catholic and I believe you! (I personally believe that God made the apes and then just set a plan in motion to make them evolve)]** "Well then prove it!" Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. **[Sure it did.  I don’t believe you, but whatever.]** Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn't even prove her own religion. **[As my Orcs say: Love, yer fucked in the ‘ead! Evolution is not a religion.]** It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!

"Tell me how to get to this heaven place!" Harry cried wistfully, clasping his hands together. **[Is he five or something?]** Sometimes, the wisdom of little ones is really amazing. We think we grownups know it all; but then God speaks through the mouths of little ones; and shows us how we are all mortals struggling along the path of life. Humility. **[That’s not a sentence.**

"All you have to do is be saved. Do you want to be saved?"

"I do, I do!" Harry squealed, jumping up and down. **[He’s ELEVEN.  NOT GODDAMN TWO.]**

"Then pray the sinner's prayer!" **[That’s not how you become a Christian.]** Aunt Petunia tried to stop him; but she was powerless against Harry's pure, innocent, holy energy. Soon, Harry had said the prayer. **[How does he know the prayer?]** Hagrid beamed happily. **[As opposed to beaming sadly.]**

"You're a Christian now, Harry!" Hagrid cried proudly.   **[Yay, great!]**

Harry smiled but then interrogated, "But how do I be a Christian? I don't know how!" **[How do I English?  I don’t know how!]** Hagrid grinned widely. "There is only one place to learn that—Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!"

 

 **_Author's Note:_ ** _SO what do you all think?_ **[Absolute trash, love.]** _I may not be a professional writer; but I think I am being given the talent to pull this off in service of a greater_ _mission_ **[Nar.  Yer jus’ effed in the ‘ead.]** _=) Blessings! —Grace Ann_


	2. Oh great now birthdays are evil

**_Author's Note:_ ** _ Hello, friends! I have been getting so many lovely, thankful messages from mommies everywhere;  _ **[1]** _ and I just want to say— _ **[A hyphen is not required here.]** _ thank you all for your encouragement! However;  _ **[2]** _ I have also been getting several messages saying that my story is bad because Harry Potter is not just about witches;  _ **[3]** _ it is also about friendship and kindness and bravery. Friends: this is exactly what I have been saying! Harry Potter has many good things about it;  _ **[4]** _ but it still has witchcraft;  _ **[5]** _ so my children cannot read it.  _ **[It ranks right up there with the Lord of the Rings in my book.  ALL OF MY CHILDREN WILL READ HARRY POTTER!]** _  BUT that is why I am writing this!  _ **[You cannot start a sentence with so.]** _ So they can have all the adventure  _ **[Adventure?  I doubt there will be any adventure in this.]** _ and good morals of the Harry Potter books without all that bad stuff that is bogging it down. I mean, Matthew 3:12, am I right?! So, without further ado—on to chapter two =) _

"Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles?" Harry queried;  **[6]** and clasped his hands. Just at hearing that name, he felt such a sense of inner peace.  **[Again with the lies about Christianity?]** He wanted to have more of that peace;  **[7]** and he wanted to learn how to be a good Christian—he was starting to think that peace and being a good Christian were in fact the exact same thing!  **[*cough* the crusades *cough*]** "I want to go there!" 

Hagrid beamed widely. He had been praying so hard to save a soul today;  **[8]** and he was so happy to have saved the soul of such a sweet, earnest little one.  **[Canon Harry, I will avenge you!]** The poor boy, being raised by two parents who were not Christian  **[Seriously? I have a friend who is Hindu and she’s an excellent person, really.]** ;  **[9]** and who both went to work and left him with a babysitter all day long. It was a good thing Hagrid had got here in time. Five years down the road, Harry might have been a fornicating, drug-addicted Evolutionist!  **[Yep.  Because everybody who believes in Evolution does BOTH of those things.]**

"Don't be silly, Harry," Aunt Petunia commanded;  **[10]** and wrung her long, bony hands. "Come back inside;  **[11]** I will read to you about Evolution from the Dawkins.  **[Dawkins was a person, not a book!]** You do not need that silly religion." Harry scrunched up his innocent little face; and thought very hard. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were as close to parents as he had;  **[13]** and this was the only home he knew.  **[Canon Harry begs to differ.  He would've been out of there so fast the Dursleys would have passed out from their heads’ spinning.]** Could he really leave? But—he was saved now. He had prayed the Sinner's Prayer.  **[Again: That is not how you become a Christian!]** He could not stay here  **[Comma here]** not anymore  **[oh, and here too.]** not with what he knew now. Suddenly, he knew what he had to do. "No, Aunt Petunia," he uttered calmly with childlike wisdom. "Evolution is not real. And I am going to Hogwarts." 

"No, no, Harry," Aunt Petunia screeched desperately.  **[Why?  She hates him, or she at least hates him in the canon.]** "I have an idea. You can have a second birthday today. You like birthdays, right?" 

"Birthdays are not of God,"  **[How?  Birthdays are a celebration of your birth!]** Harry verbalized knowingly;  **[14]** and looked at his aunt with an innocent wisdom. "You tried to corrupt me;  **[15]** but it did not work  **[Corrupt him?  How?]** . But I forgive you, Aunt Petunia; because of Luke 23:34." Hagrid was amazed once again at the wisdom of little ones. He did not know if he could forgive someone who had hurt him as much as this woman had hurt little Harry. Deny him the truth? Who could be so cruel? But Harry did not even think twice about it. He forgave—just like that! Truly, Hagrid gained a new understanding of Matthew 19:14 that day. 

"Do not leave, Harry!" Dudley wailed childishly. 

"I must," Harry said; and stepped over the threshold. "Goodbye, Dursleys. I hope you are saved too one day." And with that, he and Hagrid began to walk down Private  **[Privet]** Drive. 

"How will we get to this school, Hagrid?" Harry queried curiously  **[If you ask a question you are generally curious, so that’s redundant]** . 

"We will pray," Hagrid retorted  **[/rəˈtôrt/** **_verb_ ** **past tense: retorted; past participle: retorted**

**say something in answer to a remark or accusation, typically in a sharp, angry, or wittily incisive manner.]** knowledgeably. 

"How do we do that?" Harry solicited inquisitively  **[STOP!  STOP WITH THE EFFING ADVERBS!]** . 

"Watch," Hagrid said;  **[16]** and then got down on his knees on the road. He motioned for Harry to get down on his knees too. Hagrid raised his hands to the heavens;  **[17]** and cried out in a deep, thunderous voice, "Dear Lord, take us to Hogwarts!"  **[Mmm, no, Grace-Ann, that’s not how prayer works.]**

Harry felt himself being whisked away;  **[18]** and in a moment, he was sitting in the cool, damp grass outside a humongous, beautiful castle  **[Love, are yuh writin’ this from America?  ‘Cause there ain’t any castles in America]** . He looked in awe at the tall towers and the gray stones  **[Beautiful description, really beautiful. Had me in tears, to be honest.]** . What a beautiful place! A tall, thin man with a long, pointed beard and big, wire spectacles stood in front of Harry.  **[No.  No. No.  Please, no!]** He was wearing a brown, tweed suit and a nice, matching hat. His shoes were made of leather and polished until they shone. He had a smile much like Hagrid's smile. So peaceful, Harry just knew he could trust him!  **[Again: STRANGER DANGER!]** A lovely, kindly  **[AAAAAARGH!]** young woman with flowing blonde hair and a pleasant, heart-shaped face  **[Please say that’s not who I think it is!]** stood beside this holy man. "Hello, there, little one," the man greeted amicably. "I am the Reverend Albus Dumbledore,  and this is my wife, Minerva. Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!"   **[NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!]**

  
**_Author's Note:_ ** _ Blessings!   _ **[WHY?  WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?]**


	3. Poor Hermione!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry meets Hermione, an enslaved robot girl with only one objective: Be obedient.

_ Author's Note: Hello, friends!  _ **[Why do you keep calling me that?  I’m sure we’ve never met.]** _ I have struggled a lot about whether or not to keep going with this story;  _ **[1]** _ but, with a lot of praying, my husband and I have decided it is the right thing to do. We want our little ones to have good, Christian literature to read; and in this modern world, sometimes, that can be hard to come by!  _ **[Sheesh.  Shut up already.]** _ So I will just have to make do =)  _

 

"Pleased to meet you, Reverend Dumbledore," Harry replied enthusiastically;  **[2]** and got to his feet. 

 

"This sure is a beautiful place you have here!"  **[This dialogue is so f***ing dumb.]** The Reverend beamed. 

 

"Why thank you, little one!" His voice had a distinctive southern twang to it that made Harry feel so safe and welcome.  **[Oh for crying out loud.  Southern people aren’t just naturally welcoming!  And in the south of where for those of us who aren’t American?]** He knew at that moment that the Reverend was a man of God. "This poor little one was being raised in a terrible situation," Hagrid declared concernedly. "He was watched by a babysitter every second of the day. His aunt saw him as part of her perfect life package  **[What?  She hates him!]** . Like the big house, the fancy career, the speedy car." 

 

Dumbledore shook his head sadly. "Too bad no one told her: parenting should be about the children. Not the parents. That is why it is called parenting!" Hagrid nodded wisely.   **[Actually, that phrasing makes it sound like it is about the parents.]**

 

Dumbledore turned to Harry and announced authoritatively, "Now, you can start your classes tomorrow morning. Today, you can get settled into your dormitory. But first, why don't you eat dinner with my family and me?" 

 

"Really?" Harry gasped excitedly. "I've never had a family dinner before!"  **[You lived with those people for ELEVEN YEARS!  Never once did you have dinner with them?]**

 

"Why don't you come with us, then!" Dumbledore cried kindly;  **[3]** and then got down on his knees. Everyone else did the same. Raising his large, massive, manly hands up to the heavens, Dumbledore bellowed in a voice even louder than Hagrid's had been, "Lord, please take us to the kitchen!" Suddenly, they all found themselves in a tasteful, decorated kitchen!  **[*Sigh* the ONE time when an adverb was needed.]**

 

"Wow!" Harry shouted in awe. He was still getting used to the power of prayer! Sometimes, we take the wonderful things the Lord gives us for granted;  **[4]** and it takes a newcomer to the fold for us to understand just how blessed we are! "That was amazing!" 

 

Hagrid smiled knowingly. "God is an amazing guy." 

 

"He sure is," the reverend's wife chuckled, before getting down to her knees and raising her own hands upwards. "Dear Lord, please set the table with the sky-blue cloth and the Sunday dishes, and please give us biscuits fried golden brown and gravy, creamy mashed potatoes, my great aunt Eleanor's corn casserole, corn on the cob slathered with butter, and for dessert, some chocolate raspberry cookies."  **[Well, gee, people, don’t you think that maybe God has OTHER AND BETTER things to do than cook for you?!]** All of these things appeared on the table exactly as the reverend's wife had asked for them, masterfully prepared and delicious-smelling. Harry's mouth dropped open. Truly, this woman was a real Proverbs 31 wife!  **[I won’t even bother here.]**

 

"Hermione!" The reverend summoned loudly. "Dinnertime!" Immediately, and with cheerful obedience  **[Please, dear lord stop!]** , an eleven-year-old girl in a pretty, pink dress with a matching bow came running down the stairs. She ran over to her father;  **[5]** and gave him the winning smile that daughters have. 

 

"Welcome home, daddy!" She smiled, and then turned to his wife  **[Wow.  Just. No.]** . "Can I help at all with dinner, mommy?" 

 

"It is all prepared, thanks be to God," her mother retorted gracefully.  Hermione nodded knowingly.  **[So.  Many. ADVERBS!]**

 

"Hermione, I would like you to meet Harry Potter, our newest student at Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles," Dumbledore introduced magnanimously  **[Magnamiously?  That thesaurus sure is difficult to digest!]** . "Harry, I would like you to meet Hermione Granger, my beloved daughter."  

 

"Pleased to meet you," Hermione responded sweetly, with a shy grin. Harry could barely respond.  **[I can see it now: Harry.exe has stopped working.]** This was the most beautiful young woman he had ever come across. So different from all the girls in public school; who were focused on trying to be like the career women they saw on The Sex and the City.  **[Who in their right mind would let a child watch that show?]** This little one was the picture of innocence and godliness.  **[Because being godly requires women to be shallow and only think about her looks.  What is this, the middle ages?]**

 

"Now," Dumbledore pronounced genially  **[Why all of these dialogue tags?  Use indicators instead!]** , "let's eat!" As the holy men, women  **[Minerva cloned herself?  I thought you got rid of the witchcraft!]** , and little ones dug into the delicious manna  **[You are NOT Israelites!]** the Lord had granted them;  **[6]** the conversation amongst the adults turned to darker topics. Harry listened intently;  **[7]** and he did not understand it;  **[8]** but he was very interested. **{If he didn’t understand it why was he interested?]**

 

"Dark days are coming," Hagrid pronounced gravely around a mouthful of casserole.  **[No manners there at all.]** "Evil forces are coming into this world;  **[9]** and the little ones at Hogwarts may be our last resort!"   **[Jesus** **seriously is angry at you now.  You are forcing children to fight your battles.  You are perfectly capable of doing that yourselves.]**

 

"Psalm 127:5," Dumbledore referenced solemnly, and the others around the table nodded knowingly. Hogwarts might be the last hope for the forces of good in this world!  **[I’ll go tell Aragorn that.]**

  
  


**_Author's Note:_ ** _ Blessings!   _ **[More accurately: Blessings to Protestants and only Protestants!  (Please note that I have no hatred for Protestants, I’m just irritated that she acts like they are better than everyone else.)]**

 

**Semicolon count: 9.  Not that bad. Or am I missing something?**


	4. Doors are only able to be opened if you are male

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry opens a door he could have easily opened himself using the power of the Lord.

**_Author's Note:_ ** _ Hello, friends! I apologize for being gone for so long—one of my little ones came down with pneumonia, so of course, my life has been nothing but doctor's appointments and chicken soup—and that's on top of all the other work a mommy has to do! I had nearly forgotten about this little story of mine when I sat down to catch up my email and—lo and be- hold!— _ **[THE HYPHENS!  Oh, the humanity!]** _ there were dozens of messages from this lovely site. Now, of course, there were some hateful messages that made me very sad, but for every review posted by an Evolutionist with a bee in his bonnet  _ **[Please, spare me the agony.  I desperately hope that you don’t believe they are all Evolutionists!]** _ , there were three lovely private messages from other mommies out there, thanking me for doing the Lord's work. Wow! I know when the Lord is telling me something!  _ **[I can see that, I guess.  Or maybe (here’s a thought), God is telling you to STOP because his EARS are BLEEDING.]** _ So, here is another chapter for all you mommies out there, and all you non-believers spreading hatred—well—let's see if you aren't converted by the time this story's over =)  _ **[Lady, I’m Roman Catholic.  I don’t want and/or need to be ‘converted’.]**

 

When the delicious, filling dinner had ended, Harry wiped some last, tasty cookie crumbs from the sides of his mouth.  **[*Sigh* Those descriptions do not need to be there!  Just say that he wiped cookie crumbs from his mouth!]** He was very full—and very tired. Discovering the Truth, being saved, and coming to Hogwarts—it had certainly been a long day for this little one!  **[Okay, that phrase is starting to creep me out…]** "You look like you could use a good night's sleep," the reverend's wife commented daintily  **[Why are all of the women in this so friggin’ dainty?]** . "How would you like to move into your dormitory?" 

 

"I would love to!" Harry cried cheerfully.  **[IF I SEE ONE MORE DIALOGUE TAG, I SWEAR.]** He was so excited to become a student here;  **[1]** and he was so grateful for the opportunities the Lord had given him. Sometimes, people who have done without are the most grateful!  **[Done without what?  My Hindu friend begs to disagree.]**

 

"Hermione, why don't you show our newest student to the dormitory?" Dumbledore suggested wisely.  **[Just say that he suggested it.  The adverb is NOT required.]**

 

"I'd love to, daddy," Hermione replied obediently with an innocent, girlish  **[Are innocent and feminine her only characteristics?]** smile;  **[2]** and got to her feet;  **[3]** and smoothed out the skirt of her becoming, pink frock  **[Why is this mentioned?  Her dress shouldn’t matter, right?]** . "Should I clean the kitchen first?" 

 

"I can take care of that tonight," the reverend's wife answered indulgently  **[No, Grace-Ann, it should be ‘the reverend’s wife indulged.’]** ;  **[4]** and she was already beginning to clear the elegant, porcelain dishes. 

 

"Thank you, mommy!" Hermione shouted gratefully;  **[5]** and she walked over to Harry. "Would you please come with me?" Harry blushed shyly;  **[6]** and got to his feet  **[WHy did he blush.  She just asked him to come with her]** . His aunt had never taught him how to talk to pretty girls. She always said that pretty girls were shallow and not very smart and that a real woman put her career first and didn't care about her looks  **[Might I point you towards Anna Wintour?  Don’t try and tell me she doesn’t care about her looks.]** ;  **[7]** but it only took one look at this godly young girl to realize just how wrong that was! A woman taking pride in her appearance is honoring the Lord;  **[8]** because after all, it is the Lord who gave her a pretty face and nice hair  **[That is all a woman is, kids.  A pretty face and nice hair! Forget about her kindness, her mental health, nope, so long as she’s pretty we’re golden!]** . Taking care of that is important! Harry got the feeling that Hermione was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside  **[And there it is.  Outer beauty =/= inner beauty]** . The two little ones stepped out into the brisk, chilly night;  **[9]** and for a few minutes, they were both silent  **[Wow.  I thought she was just talking him to the dorms, not going on a date]** . Harry did not think it was possible for this sweet, demure girl to be as nervous as he was;  **[10]** but going by the silence, perhaps she was a little nervous herself!  **[Didn’t Hermione burst into a train compartmetn and boss Harry and Ron around for seven years?  Because I think she did…]**

 

After a few minutes, Hermione welcomed shyly, "Welcome to Hogwarts! It is a wonderful place;  **[11]** and we really are so glad to have you here." Harry's face reddened as they crossed an expansive, flowery field  **[What is this, Twilight?]** . They were going in the direction of a cluster of imposing, stone, academic-looking buildings  **[I thought they were going to the dorms]** . "Thank you," he muttered happily. "It is beautiful;  **[12]** and it feels very holy." 

 

"It is," Hermione commented enthusiastically;  **[13]** and her chocolate-colored, carefully curled tresses were bouncing along with her steps. "My father is a very godly man;  **[14]** and to spread the word of the Lord is his greatest dream."  **[Oh dear Lord in Heaven.  SAVE ME!]**

 

"Truly, that is a noble dream," Harry responded gravely with wisdom beyond his few years.  **[Harry is shizophrenic an/or bipolar.  I am no medical scholar, so correct me if I’m wrong.]** They walked for a few more minutes in silence. Eventually, they reached the end of the lovely, green meadow.  **[If it’s dark out how does he know it’s green?   It could be brown.]**

 

"The boys' dormitory is this way," Hermione exposited knowingly;  **[15]** and, with the innocent, casual affection so often found in children  **[Is she TRYING to make them seem like they’re dating?]** , she grabbed Harry's hand as she led him around the edifice of classrooms. Harry was so nervous;  **[16]** he could not think of anything to say. His brain fumbled for the perfect, Christian thing to say;  **[17]** but, before he could even manage a word, Hermione came to a stop in front of a tall, stone tower. "This is the boys' dormitory," the devout young woman explained kindly;  **[18]** and she gestured to the heavy, oak door beside them. "I would show you inside;  **[19]** but I would hate to cause a scandal."  **[SHE’S BLOODY ELEVEN!]**

 

"I understand," Harry declared graciously. Too many young men these days pressure young women into things undesired and forbidden. It is the mark of a true, old-fashioned gentleman to respect the fact that every young woman is another man's future wife. And we all know that it would be a dreadful, terrible sin to bring another man's wife into intimacy. Why does modern culture suddenly treat that as okay simply because he does not have her yet?  **[Did you just refer to all women as property?]** Man's laws may permit it;  **[20]** but the laws of the Lord are not bound by time. 

 

Hermione moved to push open the imposing, large door, but she struggled with the knob. It was quite a heavy door! But Harry was a good, devout Christian now. He would not have a young, godly girl struggling to open a door which he was perfectly capable of opening himself!  **[Oh no.]** With the simple faith so often seen in little ones, Harry got down on his knees;  **[21]** and lifted his hands skyward;  **[22]** and shouted prayerfully, "Dear Lord, please open these doors;  **[23]** and allow me to enter my new home!"  **[I thought he could do it himself?]**

 

With a loud, thunderous  **[redundant]** boom that echoed throughout the expansive, beautiful campus, the doors crashed open. Harry stood up piously  **[You can’t stand up piously.]** as Hermione's jaw dropped. Now, she knew for certain that this was truly a man of the Lord! Harry was about to step inside when Hermione grabbed his arm. He blushed once more.  **[GAH.]** "Wait, Harry!" Hermione uttered quickly. "There's something you should know." 

 

"What is it?" Harry queried questioningly  **[and redundantly]** .

 

"My father says that dark times are coming," Hermione spoke worriedly. "There is a man named Voldemort who wants to destroy all that we stand for. He is pushing an agenda in congress which will stop us from practicing our faith freely."   **[Why.  Just. Why.]**

"But that is what our founding fathers built this nation for!" Harry cried indignantly. "The freedom of religion!"  **[No, you idiot, it’s not.  They built the US to get away from an oppressive government.]**

 

"Voldemort doesn't care," Hermione remarked sadly;  **[24]** and she shook her head. "And he is gaining power. The freedom of Christians to practice our faith is disappearing by the day. Soon, it will be like it was in Rome." Lovely  **[Tears are not lovely.  Tears are awful because it means the person is upset]** , ladylike  **[*Sigh* Tears are not ladylike either.]** tears began to roll down her delicate, terrified face. "And I don't like lions!"  **[Rome adopted Catholicism as its main religion.]**

 

"It will be alright," Harry reassured manfully  **[This is painful.  Stop with the gender role stuff!]** . "We will just need to pray really, really hard! That's why we're here, after all." 

 

"You're so brave," Hermione pronounced admiringly;  **[25]** and she wiped the tears from her eyes. She flung her arms around Harry's neck. "Thank you for giving me courage!" 

 

Harry patted her head  **[That’s not condescending at all.]** before departing and entering his new home. It wasn't until the doors had closed behind him that he realized that he did not know where he was supposed to sleep!  **[This is why Hermione should have gone with him.]** The tower consisted of an old, stone staircase winding up the steep, sacred walls;  **[26]** and there were doors leading into each bedroom off of the stairway corridor. Harry felt very lost for a moment, but a quick prayer showed him the way!  **[You already said he felt lost.  He could have asked Hermione which room.]**

 

As he collapsed into his bed, very tired from such an eventful day, he thought about the days that were coming. It was truly a good thing that the Lord had called him when He did!  **[God doesn’t have a gender.]**

 

**Semicolon count: 26.  Disappointing.**

  
  



	5. Harry Potter the Bigot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry Potter is now prejudiced against everything but his own branch of Christianity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the wait, but I have been busy with other stuff. Namely other stories. Lots and LOTS of other stories.

**_Author's Note:_ ** _ Hello, friends! I'm very sorry if this chapter is a bit shorter than usual;  _ **[1]** _ because just as soon as one sick little one  _ **[Are you allergic to the word child?]** _ gets better;  _ **[2]** _ wouldn't you know it;  _ **[3]** _ another one starts running a fever. Whew! A mommy's life sure is exhausting. I wasn't planning on posting another chapter until things had settled down;  _ **[4]** _ but the hubby says the work of the Lord doesn't wait for the whims of men  _ **[Your children are sick.  Your silly online story can wait.  Your husband does NOT sound like he cares much about your kids.]** . _ So you can all thank Ephesians 5:22-24  _ **[My least favourite Bible verse]** _ for the speedy update =) Ooh, and on that note—some of you lovely readers have requested me to write down the Bible verses after each chapter. Well, far be it from me to not spread the Word of the Lord!  _ **[That’s not why they’re asking you.]**

 

_ Another question I have gotten—in the "original books", Harry Potter and friends frequently question authority;  _ **[5]** _ and how do I feel about this? Well, that is quite a toughie you've asked me! I talked to the hubby  _ **[Why are you calling him that?]** _  about it; and we agreed that usually, it is good to obey authority;  _ **[6]** _ but when authority is acting contrary to the Lord;  _ **[7]** _ you should talk to that authority about it! Acts 5:29! _ **[Not all of us are Bible crazies.  Stop spurting it out.]** _ You just might see authority figures making bad decisions in this chapter—nobody is perfect except the Lord;  _ **[8]** _ no, not even Dumbledore, no matter what "the original books" told you  _ **[Dumbledore was a flawed person in the original books.]** _ —and how Harry Potter handles this will be a big question in the story. Hint: it will be very different than the "original books!"  _ **[How?  Harry in the original books stood up for what he thought was right.  How can it get much better?]**

_ And finally—I got a "PM" from a lovely friend who was a bit confused;  _ **[9.  Is this woman physically incapable of using commas?]** _ so I'll just clear this up now: I do not own the "original books", those belong to JKR! So, without further ado—  _

Harry Potter woke up drowsily in a comfy, fluffy mattress. It was only now that he had the energy to observe his surroundings. The room was small but also everything a little boy needed;  **[10]** there was a big, warm fireplace in the grey, stone  **[Why do you describe EVERYTHING?]** wall across from him;  **[11]** a shelf of intelligent, age-appropriate books—the Holy Bible was in the center of the shelf, of course!  **[That’s like handing a six-year-old a copy of The Silmarillion.  WHAT? It’s got incest, violence, war, murder, more incest, rape, and other horrible things.  Yes, the Bible shares all of that with the Silmarillion. If you don’t know what the Silmarillion is, think a history textbook had a child with the Bible and Tolkien raised it.]** —and there was a simple, wood dresser of respectable, school-appropriate attire ;  **[12]** and of course a clean, porcelain sink for washing up and brushing teeth and such.

It was only then that our hero noticed that there was another bed in the room  **[So then how is it laid out?]** . It was the same as his own bed;  **[13]** except that this other bed had not been made  **[Isn’t he still in bed?]** . Also, this bed had its own Bible in it;  **[14]** and it looked different from the one on the shelf  **[Oh no.  Could it be a Catholic Bible?  Gaspatron 2000]** . But where was this new roommate of his? 

Harry looked behind him to see a small, pallid young boy with shockingly bright red hair kneeling with seeming piety as he prayed to a small statue. At this shocking sight, Harry felt a horror;  **[15]** but he quickly composed himself;  **[16]** and declared bravely, "Hello, friend  **[YOU HAVE NEVER MET HIM!]** ! My name is Harry Potter;  **[17]** and I take it that we are roommates. What's your name?" 

"Ronald Weasley," the other boy responded friendlily;  **[18]** and he reached out a hand to shake. "Welcome to Hogwarts. I am a Christian, too." 

"Really?" Harry exclaimed delightedly  **[Clearly, you have swallowed a thesaurus, Grace-Ann]** ;  **[19]** and clasped his hands together. "This is joyous news!" Ronald smiled deviously;  **[20]** and Harry remembered that he had just seen this boy praying to a statue;  **[21]** and he wondered why that would be;  **[22]** but he was new to this whole Christianity thing;  **[23]** and maybe that was okay. Still, it didn't feel quite right. He bravely resolved to would bring it up with Dumbledore.  **[That adverb is not the correct one.]**

"Would you like to come with me to breakfast?" Ronald queried politely;  **[24.  There shouldn’t have been any punctuation here at all.]** as he got up from the statue he had been kneeling in front of. "They have delicious food here in the Great Hall." 

"Would I ever!" Harry cried delightedly;  **[25]** and he bolted out of bed;  **[26]** and brushed his teeth;  **[27]** and washed his face. This little one certainly had a healthy appetite!   **[What the what?  I thought Harry was narrating this!]**

In a jiffy, Harry and his new friend had joined the stream of young lads on the steep  **[That was the cringiest clause I have ever read]** , winding stairs heading to breakfast. They could smell the aroma of breakfast from the Great Hall;  **[28]** and it wafted right into their noses  **[in a very redundant way]** ! Before they knew it, they were all sitting in the Great Hall. 

"Come sit with me and my family," Ronald offered eagerly;  **[29]** and he motioned frantically toward a table packed full of people with hair just as red as his. "Come on  **[comma]** come on  **[comma]** come on;  **[30]** I can't wait for them to see that I have made a new friend!" 

Harry followed Ronald with the obedience of one who does not have many friends in a new situation. Oh, what a difficult circumstance that can be—and how many believers have been led astray by those situations!  **[By following an older and more experienced person in an unfamiliar environment?]**

"Guys, guys, guys!" Ronald screeched joyously  **[Okay, pain in my ears from that.]** as he pulled Harry toward the table of his family. "This is Harry Potter;  **[31]** and he is my new roommate." 

"Hello, Harry!" the Weasleys chorused in unison. "Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!"  **[What in the name of Morgoth’s hairy--you know what, loyal readers, clearly you have put yourselves through enough misery with this stupid woman and her stupid story without me adding on with horrible mental images]**

"H-hello," Harry stammered shyly. Something about this group made him nervous. "Nice to meet you." He sat down at their table. He could smell a delicious breakfast—but where was the food?   **[Why in the name of all that is holy would he be able to smell food if it wasn’t there?  Sounds like some major psychological scarring to me!]**

**  
No sooner had the thought crossed his mind when the Reverend Dumbledore came onto the Great Hall's stage;  **[32]** and dropped down to his knees;  **[33]** and raised his hands skyward;  **[34]** and screamed  **[Wow.  Screaming, by the way, implies fear, pain, and anger.** ** **Not praying.]** , "Dear Lord, please provide these devout young ones with three strips of bacon or links of sausage each—two for the ladies  **[Tell that to my older sister.  I’m serious. That woman ate like a lion.  She was really into football (or, if you’re in America, soccer)]** —a bowl of hardy oatmeal flavored with cinnamon and apple chunks;  **[35]** two poached eggs cooked all the way through;  **[36]** home fries seasoned with garlic;  **[37]** a glass each of orange juice and milk;  **[38]** and dishes up to the task." 

Harry was once again amazed to see the food appear in front of him. The food looked and smelled amazing. He suspected good old Minerva had something to do with this delicious spread!  **[That poor woman.  She seems to be a slave.]**

But before he dug into the food;  **[39]** he remembered that he had something to discuss with the reverend. Harry fought his nervousness;  **[40]** and he ran after Dumbledore as he hopped dexterously off of the stage.   **[Oh no.  Yaoi smut rings true in my mind.]**

"Excuse me!" the young believer cried innocently as he ran after the reverend as fast as his little legs  **[Is he eleven or two. TELL ME, GRACE-ANN!]** could carry him. "Excuse me, reverend!" 

"What is it, son?" the reverend reiterated kindly. He was dressed respectably in sturdy, manly jeans and a red, white;  **[41]** and a blue plaid shirt over which a few virile tresses  **[That phrasing is so dumb.]** were visible;  **[42]** and a pair of admirable, brown cowboy boots  **[That just reeks of informality.]** . "Are you settling in alright?" 

"I sure am," Harry retorted  **[THIS USE OF RETORTED IS STILL INCORRECT!]** graciously. "How are things with your family?" 

"Very well," replied Dumbledore knowledgeably;  **[43]** and he was impressed with this little one's manners. "Was there something you wanted to talk to me about?" 

“Well," Harry began uncomfortably;  **[44]** and he scuffed his blue-sneakered  **[That’s not a word.]** foot against the polished wood floor of the Great Hall. "I woke up this morning and saw my roommate praying to a statue. Is that really an okay thing to do?" 

**  
"That is a real toughie," Dumbledore answered ponderously. "Well, I don't worship idols. It is, in fact, a very un-Christian thing to do. But you see, here at Hogwarts, we divide ourselves up into Sorting Hats  **[I’m not a Harry Potter superfan, but even I know that that is not how the Sorting thing works.]** . After breakfast, all the new little ones  **[The word is children.** ** **CHILD-REN.  Not that hard.]** will choose their Hats. Each of the different Hats have different beliefs;  **[45]** but we all love the Lord! And what more in common do you need?" 

****

"That does sound true," Harry pondered sensitively  **[Stop with the adverbs. Wow, this story is so dumb I can’t even find new things to say about it.]** . "But is it really? It seems that, if we all really love the Lord, we don't need to divide ourselves. Are the divisions between the different Hats really so significant as to merit dividing Christianity? What are these divisions?  **[Actually, these are very logical and intelligent questions.]** " 

****

"Well, they are somewhat significant," Dumbledore allowed tentatively. "For instance, I am a Gryffindor Hat. We believe everything in the Bible;  **[46]** and only the Bible. That redheaded roommate of yours is a Slytherin Hat.  **[Canon Ron would be horrified.]** "

****

 "And Slytherins worship statues?" Harry queried innocently. The reverend nodded gravely. "Then how are they Christian?" Harry questioned sceptically. "What about Exodus 20:4-6? That's a ten commandment!  **[That’s incorrect grammar!]** " 

****

"Well, they have different commandments," Dumbledore explained well-meaningly. "They love the Lord;  **[47]** and that is all we need." 

****

"But do they really love the Lord?" Harry posited timidly. "If they do;  **[48]** then why do they worship statues?"  **[So we’ve now established that Harry is a bigot.]**

****

"Dark days are coming," Dumbledore replied earnestly. "We need to be inclusive.  **[That is correct on one count.]** If there were only Gryffindor Hats at Hogwarts;  **[49]** then there would not be many people left." 

****

"I see," Harry conceded uncertainly as he walked back to Ronald's overcrowded table. He was getting nervous about this Hat business;  **[50]** but he supposed he did have to trust Dumbledore. After all, grownups know best, right?  **[In this case, yes.  Not always. The world wars, among others.]**

******  
**

**_Author's Note: Blessings!_ **

****

_ Ephesians 5:22-24: Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and He is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.   _ **[That was only out of necessity.  It’s an old rule, and honestly can no longer be applied.  At that time, however, since women were considered weak, of course men were in charge.  In those people’s logic, it was a strong protect the weak thing.]**

****

_ Acts 5:29: Then Peter and the other apostles answered and said, We ought to obey God rather than men. _

****

_ Exodus 20:4-6: Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything _

_  that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; and shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments. _

****  
  
** **

**Semicolon count: 50.  WHAT IS THIS AND WHY?**


	6. They Hate Catholics.  All Of Them.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry shows a great hatred for Catholics and women with careers.

**_Author's Note: Hello, friends! I apologize to people whose private messages I haven't been able to reply to;_ ** **[1]** **_but things are awful busy here in Fort Parsons;_ ** **[2]** **_and a mommy's work is never done! Many thanks to those lovely friends who have asked about the little ones. It looks like the second sickie did not have pneumonia after all;_ ** **[3]** **_and it was just the flu. It was a rough few days;_ ** **[4]** **_but now all the little Parsonses are in tip-top shape. Phew!_ **

 

Harry Potter walked back to the table of redheads. It was only now that he noticed that they were all wearing black and green baseball caps with snakes on them. Tentatively, Harry sat down next to Ronald;  **[5]** who was not wearing a hat;  **[6]** since he, like Harry, was new.  

 

“So,” Harry began nervously;  **[7]** and he bit into a thick, juicy slice of perfectly fried bacon. “What Sorting Hat do you think you will choose?”

 

“Oh, I will definitely choose Slytherin,” Ronald declared confidently;  **[8]** and he began

to eat his oatmeal with his hands  **[That is disgusting]** . “My whole family is Slytherins.”  He gestured to the countless  **[Is the entire family here?  The Weasleys has seven kids…]** redheads sitting at the table;  **[9]** and they all turned to Harry and smiled and waved. “You should become a Slytherin, too! We could do it together!”

 

“Hm,” Harry uttered ponderously;  **[10]** and he took a bite of eggs.  “Why don't you tell me about what Slytherins believe?” 

 

“Sure!” Ronald replied ecstatically;  **[11]** and he kept eating his oatmeal. “Well, first of all, we believe in the Bible.”

 

“That is wonderful!” Harry reacted happily;  **[12]** and he took a sip of his orange juice. “I do as well. Perhaps I could be a Slytherin after all?”

 

“But wait—that is not all!” Ronald continued excitedly;  **[13]** and washed his oatmeal down with milk. "Gryffindor Hats believe in the Bible, too. But Slytherins have even  _ more _ . We have a book full of guidelines on how to be a good person, and a whole panel of Slytherin Hats to tell us what to do."  **[Well, gee, folks, sounds like she’s about to rant about Catholics now!  *Prepares to honey badger*]**

 

Harry furrowed his innocent, childish brow;  **[14]** and he took another bite of oatmeal; and he questioned confusedly, “Why do you need all that if you have the Bible?” 

 

Ronald guffawed;  **[15]** and he shoveled more oatmeal into his mouth;  **[16]** and he replied, "Why only have the Bible when you can have more? Why, that would be like only praying to God!" 

 

Harry gasped in horror as he bit into more bacon. "Of course I only pray to God! Who else would I pray to?"  **[Woop, there it is!]**

 

"What about Mary?" Ronald posited angrily around a mouthful of oatmeal. "You have to at least worship to her!"  **[Catholics DON’T WORSHIP MARY.  WE PRAY TO HER.]**

 

"You mean the mommy of Our Lord?" Harry demanded in scandal;  **[17]** and he chewed his bacon. "I don't worship her!" 

 

"Well, then, God hates you!"  **[*Seethes* Catholics believe God loves everyone.]** Ron stated simply;  **[18]** and pieces of bacon flew out of his mouth as he did so. 

 

Harry was tentative;  **[19]** since he was new to this whole Christianity thing;  **[20]** but he did not think God would hate him for not worshipping His mommy. On the contrary: he had a hunch that God wanted people to only worship Him.  **[Gee, ya think?]**

 

"Don't listen to him," commented a drowsy voice self-righteously from behind Harry.   **[Here it comes.]**

 

Harry turned around;  **[21]** and he saw a girl about his own age.  Her pale yellow hair was tied into braids;  **[22]** and she wore a tie-dye shirt and faded jeans and flowers in her hair. "Peace" signs and donkey patches were sewn all over her clothes.   **[She’s either liberal or centrist, because that’s a crime now.]**

 

“You should not become a Slytherin Hat," the girl continued confidently;  **[23]** and she was eating what looked like it was supposed to be bacon;  **[24]** but it did not smell or taste like bacon  **[Did Harry just steal her food?]** . It missed that smokey, meaty taste that bacon is supposed to have. Instead, it tasted like vegetables blended together and died red. Yuck! Harry would take real bacon over that any day of the week. "They are far too strict." 

 

Harry hmmed skeptically. He was not sure about this whole Slytherin business;  **[25]** but the word "strict" was not what came to mind!   **[It shouldn’t be.  Catholics aren’t that strict.]**

 

 

"You should become a Hufflepuff Hat," the girl instructed arrogantly;  **[26]** and continued to nibble at her breakfast. "That's what I'm going to do." 

 

"What do Hufflepuff Hats believe in?" Harry pondered aloud;  **[27]** and he took a bite of his real bacon. Oh, how he wanted to find the true Hat! 

 

"Hufflepuff Hats believe in the Bible; but only some of it," Luna explained casually;  **[28]** and she was still feeding on that stuff. "We don't believe in the stuff against fornication and drinking and socialism  **[I’m not a fan of socialism, but the other two I’m fine with, so long as you don’t act stupid about it]** ;  **[29]** but we really like Matthew 7:1  **[So do I!]** ;  **[30]** and that's about it. We're really fun and we seem really nice and really tolerant as long as you agree with us!"   **[So…stereotyped radical liberal.  Thought so.]**

 

 

That was when a derisive laugh echoed through the cafeteria. A smug-looking young man about Harry's age with slicked-back hair even paler blond than Luna's and wearing a sweater vest and khakis strolled languidly down between the rows of tables.   **[That was a sentence that COULD HAVE USED SOME GODDAMN PUNCTUATION!]**

 

"Please, ignore this fool," Draco drawled smugly. "Luna here thinks she can have a career even though she's a woman;  **[31]** and women are stupid."  **[I diagnose you with: straw-man misogyny!]**

 

Harry gaped at this horrible person.  What a mean thing to say! 

 

"Women shouldn't not have careers because women are stupid!" Harry shouted indignantly. "Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home!”   **[Have you ever heard of a clique?  Middle school? High school? Girls are NOT kind.]**

Draco gasped tentatively. "You are diluting the truth! Women are beneath men!" 

 

"No, I'm not!" Harry fired back bravely. "You are twisting the truth so you can be mean with it! Women are not beneath men! Men and women are just different!"  **[Yes, they are, but women still have careers.]**

 

Luna smiled at him gratefully. 

 

Draco was clearly fumbling for ground here—there is not much ground to stand on when you are being hateful!—but he finally came up with, "Well, at least I don't eat with Slytherin Hats! I hate Slytherins!"  **[Harry feels the same way.]**

 

Ronald began to cry into his oatmeal. 

 

"I don't hate Slytherin Hats!" Harry declared boldly. "I think they should become Gryffindor Hats; but that is because I  _ love  _ them! Besides, the Lord ate with sinners  _ all the time _ !"  **[You, my friend, are what the Middle Ages would call a heretic.]**

 

"Thank you, Harry," Ronald whispered tearfully.  **[SHUT UP, RON!]**

 

"Well—well—you should just become a Ravenclaw Hat, like me," Draco sputtered blusteringly. "We really are the best Hat." 

 

"I think you mean, 'We really are the most  _ hateful  _ hat,’” Harry corrected cleverly  **[Goddamn dialogue tags]** ;  **[32]** and then he jumped up onto the table;  **[33]** and he got down on his knees;  **[34]** and he raised his hands to the ceiling of the Great Hall;  **[35]** and  he bellowed, "Dear Lord, I have made my decision! I am a GRYFFINDOR HAT!"   **[God has something to say: Fuck you, you hateful bigot.]**

 

**_Author's Note:_ ** _ Blessings!   _ **[Fuck.  You.]**

 

_ Matthew 7:1 – Judge not, that ye not be judged.   _ **[I love that bible quote.]**

 

**[Semicolon count: 34.  Could this be…progress?]**

 


End file.
